Think it over & over-think it

This is something new for me, this rut feeling. I've always been the one to embrace change, look forward to it, even suggest "upsetting the apple cart." But I'm also one who likes to have options, another course of action, Plan B to fall back on. So I am a planner. I'm also one to want quick action. Maybe it's the waiting that's putting me in a funk.

Lately I can get myself in a rut when I'm "contemplating" a big change. I think it over and over-think it. I plan and plan. And when the change is weeks away, I plan and over-think. And it puts me into a rut of sorts. I don't want to start any new projects, but yet I don't want to finish the current ones. I'm in limbo. I make to-do lists to prepare for the anticipated change, and check the tasks off as we get them done. I want to be on the road like our other RV friends, but I want to see family one more time.

I want to make the change because it means we are on our way to a summer spent fly fishing! Fishing and freedom in retirement is what we eagerly looked forward to for years. I avoid thinking about the change because it means we will be far away from family for months. The young ones seem to change and grow up each week. I know we will see them in a few months, but by then one will be babbling, another will be walking, another will be potty trained, and another will advance to the first grade. Phone calls, email, postcards, and webcams will be our means of communication from the motorhome on the river.

I tell Rick what keeps me up at night and he says I should live in the present, not the future. And certainly not the past. I don't dwell too much on the past, for I learned long, long ago that it is impossible to do it over. I don't regret the past, but learn from what's done. I spend more time thinking of the possible future than on the already done past. Sometimes, when I lay my head on my pillow and try to sleep, my mind races in anticipation of what might happen tomorrow. I play out scenes, have conversations, rehearse events, decide on yet-to-come choices and do a lot of "what if's." And it keeps me from sleeping. When Rick said I should spend more time in the present of course I did a couple quick Google searches on the subject. I've found some insight into how to deal with my Midnight Madness and I'm sleeping better. I have ways to deal with the thoughts racing around in my head late at night.

And now that we're closer to our departure date I'm taking action and getting the stuff done that needs to be done in order to go fishing. Opening day is a month away and we'll be in Montana before then. It will be a good summer. I rehearsed it in my dreams.